By Jonathan Mongeau

Photo: The Jakarta Post's review of Rica O. Darmawan's latest work at the Jakarta Arts Institute. 

For professional reasons I have been studying The Art of War by Sun Tzu. 

No, I do not plan on conquering or annexing any foreign territory. Although with Montreal’s fluctuating weather these past few weeks of “Spring”, the Spanish coast is looking real nice. Seriously though, I’ve been reading the classic 2nd-century BCE philosophical treatise to learn more about the timeless lessons of management and strategy. Most interestingly, however, during my studies I stumbled upon something that most scholars don’t know; Sun Tzu wrote another treatise.

Originally translated in the late 1770s by a French Jesuit, this treatise is focused on a topic that is as widespread and prevalent throughout the history of mankind as war: sex. The scholarly translation of the ancient text was based off this beautifully crafted bamboo book discovered in the Yinque Mountains in Shandong, China which dates from roughly the same time period as his well-known military collection, The Art of War.

What scholars have loosely translated as The Art of Sex, this ancient treatise on the topic of love-making is divided into ten chapters; ironically, all with similar titles to The Art of War. Their summaries are as follows. 

Calculations and Estimations explores the four fundamental emotions required for a successful sexual campaign: attraction, seduction, willingness and horniness. By reflecting upon and truly understanding these emotions, the greatest of lovers can effectively calculate their chances of sexual victory. Any deviation from these key factors will certainly increase the odds of failure. 

Preparations for Sex explains that all lovers must be prepared to manage and organize the proper supplies required for their sexual campaign. Scholars have indicated that traditional supplies such as food, wine, and candles can prove effective in most campaigns. Similarly, modern supplies such as condoms and musical devices such as the Jambox can also increase campaign success. The enlightened lover will use an diverse mix of all these supplies to increase their odds of sexual victory.

Positive Planning discusses that force is never to be applied in a sexual campaign and that any hint of negative intentions can only lead to mutual disappointment. The wise lover knows that it is futile to strive for a forced sexual engagement. The awkwardness, tension and negative energy to stem from such ill-behaviour is bound to lead to an ineffective campaign and will prove that the lover has not prepared adequately.

Tactical Positions describes the most popular sexual positions that all experienced lovers have mastered. The ancient diagrams demonstrating other popular tactical positions inThe Art of Sex can be found here. To loosely paraphrase an excerpt from scripture: “In ancient days, lovers made themselves unbeatable through constant practice”.

Energy explains the use of maintaining and building up the proper momentum throughout all steps and undertakings of the campaign. Consequently, the reasoning, timing and execution of seasoned lovers are perfect. In short, every lover is in control of their own destiny.

Weak Points and Maneuvering highlight the need for great lovers to adapt. The planning of any campaign can change in any given moment. Being fluid to opportunities, wise lovers are quite aware of their limitations and address these immediately by always planning ahead and being properly, if not overly, equipped with all the necessary supplies. Most importantly, clever lovers never repeat their successful maneuvers in similar fashion; this ensures repeated success.

The Virtue of Changing Positions explains that all wise lovers know when it is right moment during a campaign to change Tactical Positions. Specifically, great lovers understand which of these said positions are best when used in a specific combination. They are attuned and responsive to the countless signals that may be evoked by their lover and, thus, are always ready to maintain control of any situation.

Control and Manipulation of Territory describes the common areas where most sexual campaigns occur. Some territories have advantages while others prove otherwise. There is an overview of all forms of territory such as higher ground, places of ambivalence, steep ground and territory that is managed from afar. To quote an excerpt, “It is foolish to know the land and not the sexual partner well. The reverse is also true. One without the other is incomplete”.

Weapons of Fire explains the general use of certain devices or tools which may prove useful in various environments and under certain circumstances. Traditional scholars liken these to be an auxiliary set of supplies only used to compliment the campaign and the existing set of supplies set out in Preparations. For instance, lubrication (lube), vibrators and other sex toys qualify as supplementary “weapons of fire”. 

The Use of Spies focuses on the importance of building a solid foundation of information sources before and whilst on campaign. Depending on the available time to plan the campaign, the intelligent lover will gather information from all corners of the realm. In preparing for most campaigns, wise lovers acquire useful knowledge from numerous social sources such as friends and the target lover’s entourage as well as digital sources such as Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Information is power and can prove effective in increasing the odds of a victorious campaign.

By now, I hope you have realized that (sadly) there is no actual ancient scripture authored by Sun Tzu entitled The Art of Sex. But it’s cool, no worries. If you really are in search of guidance and practical advice about sexual behaviour feel free to check out legendary Hindu text that everyone has heard of, the Kama Sutra. 

In the spirit of creativity and sex, I figured it’d be a fun exercise to compare and explore the numerous components of sex through the lens of a philosophical battle. And while staying true to the actual titles and principles outlined in The Art of War, I came to realize that if, followed correctly, the ten steps outlined above may just lead you to sexual victory. 

But let’s be frank. The thought, preparation and organization outlined above isn’t always applicable. As the lyrical and literary genius of our modern times, Jimmy Pop, so eloquently put it in the late 1990s, sometimes we just wanna do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.